Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
