You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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