Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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