I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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