I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
