Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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