i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
