Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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