in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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