also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
