No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
