That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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