And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
