I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
