hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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