If that was your dad, he is hot
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
