I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
