I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
