sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
the raccoons are back...
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