my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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