Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
