I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
