My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
