you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
