you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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