i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Two words: blizzard sex
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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