I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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