i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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