i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
