He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Randomize
