you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
