i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
