I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
