Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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