we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
