Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
