cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
