never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
