Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
