guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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