...so i touched it.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
