Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
