So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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