Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
