oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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