I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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