i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
