Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
