im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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