Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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